Today I conquered another fear! I rode in a helicopter! Telling someone I am afraid of flying is an understatement. I can tell people that all day long, but no-one can truly understand my fear. You can't know that fear unless you are me. Yes, I understand its irrational, I realize I can breathe inside the aircraft and that I am only "trapped" for a small amount of time. All of the self talk doesn't change the fact that I am terrified, and from the moment I book a trip, I internally stress and fret until the day I am forced to board! Only a few people have witnessed what goes on with me when a flight doesn't go well for me and I panic. Sometimes I can get through it with little or no incidence, and for the few other times, I am a wreck and cannot be soothed back to normal until I have landed.
So yes, this was a BIG deal for me today! And to tell Mr. Hopper as we were taking off that I had an unusual fear of flying was uncomprehendable for him. Yet, after we landed and I thanked him, he could not truly understand how proud of myself I was.
It started a few weeks when Aaron had texted and said Liz would be out at her dad hangar this weekend and if I wanted to bring Cole he could ride. Of course I said, "awesome, Dan can go up with him!" The next text said, "I wont be there, we work that saturday." Oh shit, was what I was thinking. He suggested Cole wouldnt be scared since Evan (his son thats 4) would be riding. I know Cole, and I knew in my mind that he would NEVER do it without me.
So today, Dan called and asked if I was gonna go out to the hangar. I had actually forgotten. SO I said yes, after gymnastics I would take him out, though I wasnt sure if he or I would really go. Really, I knew already I was not going to go up, but hoping that Cole would go up with Liz or Evan. Well, when we got out of the car, I got EMmy out to feed her but the helicopter was just coming in for a landing. She told Cole to come on over as Evan hopped out. The moment I saw the helicopter even landing, I had already made up my mind that there was just no physical, or mental way I could handle it. They had taken Emmy inside becuase of the wind and sound. It all happened very fast. They grabbed Cole and put him in the middle and got him all strapped. I kept telling Liz "you may have to go, I cant." I was whispering becuase Cole doesn't know my fear because I don't ever want him to fear things like this. He was waving at me with a smile, but I know him well enough to see the fear in his eyes. There was just no way I was going to let my little boy go up in a helicopter alone with an ounce of fear while I stand there with some selfish irrational fear. So I took a breath and got in. My heart was racing, immediately began skipping beats, and I began to feel my panic trying to come. The only thing I said was "I have a huge fear of flying. If I get too scared can you please bring me down?" He agreed.
The take off actually didnt bother me at all. We waved at everyone and began flying. He did a great job talking to me and showing me things to help keep my mind off of my fear. I didnt realize until about 5 minutes in that I was squeezing Coles poor hand about as hard as I squeezed Dans during contractions! There were a few moments I thought too much about needing to get out, and could feel myself slipping into that terrible place that I go when this happens on airplanes, but he would ask me something or show me something and I would get distracted. Cole kept saying into his headphones how cool it was and showing me swimming pools and trampolines!
Once we landed, my legs were shaky, but I could not believe I had actually done it! I have say, if it weren't for the look in Coles eyes, I never would have done it!
